You say that what you think about is different.
You say that there is a struggle going on inside you.
You say that you want to get deep.
You say that you want to devour truth.
You say that you are not a narcissist.
You quote C.S. Lewis, saying you are:
"a zoo of lusts, a bedlam of ambitions,
a nursery of fears, a harem of fondled hatreds."
Well, welcome to the club.